Dr. Tad James, Master Trainer of Neuro-Linguistic Programming and the creator of the Time Line Therapy (TM) was the first to bring this to my conscious attention. "When people say they will try, it is tantamount to them saying they won't do it", he said. Then recently, while reading Dr. Deepak Chopra, this very same message came to me again. Dr. Chopra makes an interesting point when he says that fish don't try to swim - they just swim. The sun does not try to rise each morning. It just does!
That got me thinking. What did I mean when I said I'd try to do something? I tried an experiment by consciously keeping tabs of the times I used the word "try" and you know what? 10 times out of 10, when I did not want to do something, I ended up saying, "Let me try". On the other hand, there was no hesitation in committing to doing something I wanted to do.
"Trying" implies inaction. It implies a doubt, a message that communicates a reluctance to do something without actually saying the word "no". "I will try to get up early tomorrow morning and go for a run" never translates into actually going on that run. "I will try to reach the meeting on time" is a guarantee - you will be late for the meeting.
Trying is not a natural state of mind - it is something that we are trained to do as we grow up. Guess who the trainers are? Our parents and our teachers! Observe children around you. See how many times they use the word "try". Dare them to do something and they either pick up the dare or they say, "I can't do that". Children are direct in their responses and that is why one knows exactly where one stands with them. As the journey to adulthood progresses, children are programmed by their adults to become more sensitive to the feelings and sensitivities of others. That is when "try" becomes an integral part of one's vocabulary.
We "try" because we don't want to hurt the sentiments of others. We "try" because we don't know how to say "NO" positively and politely. We "try" because we don't trust others to understand our position and our reasons.
So how do we stop "trying"?
1. Start to recognise consciously when you use the word "try". When you hear the word coming into your brain, put on the brakes mentally just before you utter it.
2. State whatever you wish to say positively. The other day an acquaintance invited me for coffee. I began by saying, "I will try". The minute I felt the dreaded 3-letter word come, I put on the brakes mentally. Over the screech of the brakes, I heard myself say, "I'd love to have a coffee with you. I just can't do it today, I am sorry".
3. Build the knowledge within yourself about the reasons why you don't want to do something. Facing up to an issue is the first step to resolving it. I was contracted by an organisation recently to design, develop and facilitate a leadership workshop. I heard myself say, "I will try to accomplish this...". All the way home, I asked myself exactly what it was that was causing me discomfort with the plan. I realised that I was not sure of my capability to deliver all the modules they wanted. When I presented my proposal to them, I used this learning and informed them clearly about the modules I was competent to deliver and those that I had not delivered before. I left the decision to them and told them that I'd consider bringing in another facilitator if they so wished. I got the contract and I was told that my being honest about what I would do, turned the deal in my favour.
What's in it for you to stop trying?
1. When you stop trying, you start driving the vehicle of your life even more strongly. How empowering is that! Think about it for a minute - when you say, "I will try", you communicate to your unconscious mind an intent of having to do something, that you don't really want to do. If you later decide not to do what you had promised to try, you end up feeling guilty. On the other hand, if you do go out of your way to actually do it, a remnant of resentment could linger - because you HAD to do something you DID NOT WANT to do. When you stop trying, your decision is very clear and simple. You have already made your choice and you will abide by it.
2. When you stop trying, you unconsciously communicate a message to others to stop trying with you. You will notice that the communication you receive also becomes more positive and action driven. There will be less ambiguity in your life as a result. "Jane said she will try... does that mean a yes or a no?" ceases to be. On the occasions when you do come across somebody saying "I will try", you are in a better position to actually ask for a decision and say, "Could you be more specific please?"
So how about it? Stop trying and start doing from today. Take your first step on this journey and see how you feel! And oh yes! Start doing it - don't try!
Good luck and have a happy journey!
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